You are My Happy

Who knew this much change can happen in such a short amount of time. Sitting here trying to remember each step I've taken for the past year makes me feel like I've been sitting on a bullet train and it's been one hell of a ride. The decision to get on board was probably the hardest decision I've ever made; there was no time; it was either a "make it" or "break it" situation. So here's a story I'd like to pen down; whether to share with people who would like to know or for myself to remember how this chapter of my life started.

At the end of April 2014, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Why? Well, the obvious reason was because my period was exceptionally late. Secondly, the scent of everything was either heighten or changed. Pork smelt like rotten meat, my pillow smelt like it was soaked in urine, I can smell my dog from a mile away. I felt like a dog myself; Super Sniffer Dog. I admit I kept pushing the thought out of my head; telling myself "no, it can't be" and dragged it on. Till one day when I was at the pharmacy buying cough mixture and happen to see some pregnancy test on display. The voice at the back of my head was really demanding so I gave in and bought.

Positive. I sat there staring at the test for a good 15 minutes. Tears running down my face, questions after questions popping into my head, emotions stirring at every inch of my being. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to feel, trust me, I didn't even know how to walk out the toilet at that point.

I told John on the day itself and we had a long discussion; an all nighter discussion. I could see all the mixed emotions written all over his face; the exact feelings I had. In all honesty, the thought of having an abortion did cross my mind. I am only human and I've asked myself "Will I be a good mother?" "what do I know about raising a child?" "can I take up such a big responsibility over night?". 

But then I realised, I realised that there's no "WILL I be a good mother?" because at that very moment I AM already a mother. I placed my palm on my tummy and gave it a slight rub and it sunk in; there's a life in there. A life within life, a life within a me. I'm connected to this little being, supporting its every growth, protecting its little body. Then I felt honoured; honoured be such an important role, honoured to be depended on a 100%, honoured to be needed to support a life, honoured to protect a child until its ready to step out into the world. Its an honour to be a mother, its an honour to be this child's mother. What kind of a person would I be if I decide to rip this honour apart. It wouldn't only physically hurt, I think I would be mentally scar for life.

We decided. We decided to keep the child and I remember the very moment John took my hands, looked me in the eye and said, "I love you and we will do this right. It's my child as well and we will do this together". I was in such relief to know we shared the same thoughts and to know I have his support while I take on the biggest change in my life.

Did we know anything about raising a child? No, we did not know anything about raising a child but at this point, the question was "do we want to know how to raise a child or not?" and YES we want to know, we need to know because we want to raise our child right. We want our child to be happy, healthy, safe, smart and we want the best. For that, we need to know everything from A to Z. Luckily God is gracious, we had about 7 month plus to learn and thank god for the internet as well. 

Were we able to take up such a big responsibility in such a short amount of time? Its now or never. Now that I'm already in this position, I won't take no as an answer. If I'm not ready now, I will ever be ready. Seems like a great deal of responsibility but it got easier as time passed because the stronger the bond was, the more everything was done out of love instead of mere responsibility. 

So there's my little journey from knowing, to absolute denial, to accepting and finally embracing.

The infamous questions many asked. Did anyone talk behind your back? Did anyone react badly? Did anyone not support you? I guess in every situation you'll have both parties; those who stand by you and those who don't. In this situation, no one can make you feel better, no one can help with the morning sickness, no one can help with the raging mood swings, no one can help with the tiredness but knowing that you have the support from people around you is a big comfort. I cannot emphasise how important the support was to me. The words of encouragement from family and friends, knowing that they are happy for me made the whole process easier. Each support, each congratulation, each compliment has encouraged me to take a step further, so I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has been happy for me even if its for the slightest moment because it really means that much! Thank you, you know who you guys are.

My family was so supportive. The first person I told was my grandmother, then Trisha and Rianne. My grandmother was just too excited that she's gonna be a great-grandmother,  Trisha and Rianne was complaining how they're gonna be young aunts; nonetheless excited. Then my parents, I was thinking of a million ways to tell them (or when to tell them). One afternoon when my mum was in an exceptionally good mood and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Out of all the awesome ways I've thought of telling her, I panicked and just blurted out. She obviously was shocked, asked some questions and after an hour or two she was more than excited to be a grandmother. My father was away for a business trip then so I didn't manage to tell him until a week after. When I sat him down, I remember me taking the longest time to get to the point (my voice was already shaking) and when I finally did, he said "I knew about this a week ago, mum already told me about it" and smiled. I burst out crying and my dad reached out to me for a hug. Thank you for standing by me everyday, every moment of my life. Its because of the both of you, I'm confident I will be a good mother.

John's family has been amazingly supportive as well, from his mum all the way to uncles and aunts. I want to take this moment to thank John's mum and dad for raising the man of my dreams, the man who bravely took this decision to raise our child, a man with strong principles and great sense of responsibility, a man who loves his family and lastly the man of my family now.

As for those who left, it was heartbreaking. I thought I was overreacting from all the mood swings, but when all the mood swings were gone it was as heartbreaking as before. From time to time, I still ask myself why? I guess after a while I really started understanding this phrase "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" and cared less. 

A little advice for you, focus on those who are willing to stick by you through thick and thin. Its makes your life a much happier one cause its them who matters; its them you'll grow old with.

-First visit to the gene. Our little gummy bear-

Anyways, we went through a whole lot of names. We had both gender's name ready because we didn't know if our little gummy bear was gonna be a girl or a boy. When we did a scan at 5 months, we finally knew gummy bear was gonna be little Arielle.

After all that has been said, I know how this is a mistake but this is how we chose to handle it. The easy way out was an abortion, one flush and life goes back to normal but that wasn't what we did. We faced it, we took responsibility, we did what we believe was right. We took a brave step and we are proud. We are proud of how we handled this mistake because this mistake turned out to be our life's joy.

Arielle Low

-You'll never understand what love at first sight is till you hold your own flesh and blood in your arms-